I'm just a girl...

Everytime I open this writing program, the question is what am I going to write? What exactly is it that I'm willing to share with those that matter, with the world? Which part of me am I going to allow them to see? Then I start writing, and I think its too much, or sometimes too little, certain words don't fit, or other words should be used, or sometimes its just not right and i erase it completely... to start all over and then I just close it. That piece remains unwritten, and later on just forgotten. This happened just before I wrote this piece, but I've somehow managed to write this, and I know what I'm willing to share about myself this time. I'm just a girl, a girl in transition to becoming a woman. A girl with needs and wants, and sometimes unsure of how to separate the two to determine which takes priority. I make mistakes - plenty of them, because I'm not perfect, but the truth is I try to be, for those that matter, even if i don't agree with it, I think its unreasonable - I will try to please you and be there if you are important to me. I have feelings, feelings which i can't control sometimes and they get the better of me, feelings when having become extremely intense cannot be hidden and just need to be expressed, feelings that get hurt... so much that keep me up into the wee hours of the night, sometimes makes me cry, feelings that are sometimes too complicated to be verbally expressed and have to be written, feelings that can be irrational at times, but I feel. I try to think through every situation, and come to a conclusion on how to execute my plan so that everything works out - for me and for others. I love and I love strongly, for me to love is one of the greatest feelings in the world that everlasting high, even in the bad times you cant help but love, because it is so overpowering. I have limits, sometimes they may be too high, sometimes they may be too low, sometimes i overlook them because I believe... but I also believe that I shouldnt have to settle for what I don't deserve in life. I have goals and ambitions that I hope to achieve in life. On top of all this I'm still just a girl, a girl who does not wish to be judged, or misjudged, a burden, who does not want to be misinterpreted but instead understood, loved for who I am, and for who I could be

...I'm just me.

Part 2: The Emotional Rollercoaster -- The No Go..

A random convo began a night with the statement "Men, hear?" Said as a means of expressing the act of surrendering to the inability to understand men, their ways and their reasons behind these ways, and almost simultaneously the response to this expression was "we could almost say the same for women." Needless to say that statement then evolved into a discussion or more so a debate on the short-comings of the sexes. The males all agreed that women are extroverts, they like to ask too many questions, expressing feelings too much, they think too much which then leads them to worry too much. The question was then posed, couldn't all that then be eliminated if men would simply share their feelings more, make it easier for women to understand men? There would be no need for the questions, thinking so much, or to worry. The response given was "why would i want to do that? I tell you what you need to know, everything else is irrelevant. Women want to know too much and all of the information is not necessary sometimes." Another question was posed, If it is relationships are about compromise, all effort is to be divided 50/50 in order to make the relationship work, why if I am an extrovert and you are an introvert it is impossible for you to meet me half way in order for us to meet on some level ground? It was plainly stated that if men told women all they want to hear and all they want to know they would be the one giving constantly, giving their heart, mind and soul and getting nothing in return.  It may be seen as feminist or a sexist comment for me to say that from what I have seen and heard men are only willing to meet the emotional needs of women to a certain extent and only when it is beneficial for them. Which is entirely ironic because women are always expected to meet the needs of men whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally. A man could never say (in the event that he has a girlfriend or wife that really cares) that she would never go all out to please him, it is just that these acts are sometimes considered "suffocating". So... about that statement "... women are always expected to meet the needs of men whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally," (To be continued....)

A Glimpse of the Mind of a Girl - Prt 1

People would determine its easy being a woman in today's age. Because of our capabilities; brain, bron, bodies... we have the necessary keys to unlock those doors to success. However, i beg to differ... we live in a society where even though women are liberated, and excelling in all different areas: academically, or career wise, we are still expected to be submissive to the dominant sex - men. Be the woman your man wants, support him, his dreams, ambitions and life would go exactly the way you want it. Fact is even though some women may be indeptly successful and independent they're still burdened by such a social constraint as offeriority. Granted, God made Adam then he made Eve from Adam, woman was made in man's own image, to be his partner but yet not his equal. Numerous authors have constructed different perceptions of females, Shakespeare in his tragedy Hamlet, 'Frailty thy name is woman' - blatantly implying women are weak, not only physically but weak-minded. John Milton portrayed the character of Eve in his poem Paradise Lost as vain, naive, gullible - that she fell for flattery from the serprent, stubborn as she wouldnt listen to her husband... and one thing that Shakespeare and Milton share in common was that the female characters always caused the destruction and chaos within the plot everytime they tried to exalt a sense of independence and have an input on any dire situation at hand.  Chaucer in Canterbury Tales - portrays the wife of bath - an opportunist, who uses her sexual allure and abilities to charm the hearts of men to accumulate riches. Modern times, uses women as sex symbols in music videos, commercials, movies, in skimpy clothing ... and that is what men have come to see women as in this day and age. I'm not saying they're all wrong... women are emotionally driven, sometimes gullible,vain and submissive under whatever circumstances, but really is that all we are? Someone to please men, keep their bed warm at night, help them by doing domestic duties - basically being their second mother? This is surely the opinion some would give in these times. It would be fair to say that most men in these times would prefer women to be physically, mentally as well as emotionally submissive, and life would be alot easier, and I base this on the input of young men I've recently been in contact with.

#3

It is true you can become disappointed for the right reasons, as well as for the wrong reasons. How do you become disappointed? It all sets in after someone doesn't reach an expected standard, for teenagers  this disappointment is usually derived from their academic performances, choice os friends of activities they choose to partake in, for young adults, your family may see you as a disappointment because of your career choice or relationship decisions - maybe you've chosen the wrong partner (in their opinion), it can also exist in the same said relationship, your partner may not be doing everything you have expected him to. Then,  you can be disappointed with yourselves. Really... who is to say the standards expected are the standards you need to meet? Are standards not set from people's own misconceptions or actuality of their state or standard? What if their "standards" have no moral standing? What if those so called "standards" are beneath all that I can achieve? What if I am more prone to excel in my own way on my own standards? I stand on my opinion the emotional side of this all is to be blamed, that is what pushes one to be truly disappointed, because you care - you hurt- and because you were never expecting that hurt - you're disappointed. A reserved person will always smile through disappointments. Humility enlightens us  that we are all human, and at some point we will make mistakes, and should not hold it against our own.

Self preservation....

Can the act of self preservation be achieved without being considered selfish?
Self preservation is in fact a behavior which ensures the survival of an organism. What triggers this behavior? Fear. Only in the event one is fearful of something they immediately take action to save themselves, do anything necessary to make sure they are safe. Senses are enlightened and you become aware of all protruding forces which may be seen as a threat. It's like you're constantly on this adrenalin rush and always on guard. Another trigger... pain. No one likes pain.... well most people don't, for that percentage who resents the feeling of pain, if you constantly set yourself up in the position to feel such pain and hurt when you know full well you can guard yourself up against all elements of the sort.... wouldn't that make you some sort of masochist? I would conclude and say its just a perfectly human coping method, which also depends on the extremes in which one would take it to. However, self preservation - it makes you human, not selfish....

Small Thoughts

Its interesting how as human beings we tend to get caught up in what we're familiar with and then anything that is outside of that sacred circle is weird...somewhat disturbing, and the idea of venturing away from there is extremely frightening. This exists in any situation, adults stuck in their old ways, choosing of partners when venturing into a new relationship, choosing an outfit to go to "the best event" of the year, eating foods, and the list goes on.... What does this make us immobile? Or does it make us wise? With every action there is a reaction, it can only come out one out of two ways. In the end you can either learn from the mistake or benefit from the change. However, in the end the choice lies only within ourselves....